10:43 am - The Craig R Meyer Comprehensive Cheese Review!
(A reprint of a reprint from the old homeslice.org by popular demand. Thank's Wayback Machine!)
For a couple summers back in the high school days, it was my honor to work one of the greatest food service jobs ever at the White Feather Farms food wholesale outfit in Muncie, Indiana, My Home Town. I worked the cheese room.
They had this giant walk-in refrigerator about the size of a racquetball court, universally known as The Cheese Room, my domain. In the heat of summer, I'd ride over there in the back seat of somebody's car with three layers of extra clothing to put on at the last minute before entering. Inside, they had about two hundred different kinds of cheese from all over the world, most of it destined back out to other stores and restaurants. Thursdays were a bummer because that was Mold Day, yich, Friday was cutting up stuff and putting it in boxes, and finally the Big Day would come, Saturday, when we'd open up for the public. Cheese die-hards would line up out the fricking door on Saturday morning to come in and buy my cheese, and I got to serve it up to them. It was really fun: Playing worn-out Dee Lite tapes in my little fluorescent-lit Nordic kingom, serving up bourgious cheese to happy customers.
Of course there was plenty of snitching going on, and over the course I formed some cheese preferences and opinions of my own, which I will edify you with today.
The CraigRMeyer.com Comprehensive Cheese Review!
Cheeses to serve to people you like:
Smoked Gouda. Now this is The Stuff. When no one was looking, I'd go for this one with the little knife every time. Best on fine crackers, so you can concentrate on it; not as appropriate in a sandwitch, where it'd be overpowered and have its feelings hurt by the mustard.
Excelsior Sharp Cheddar. The Sharpest. Mean. Make sure to slice it thin or you might hurt yourself. Best served as a friendly surprise... to adults. Do not waste on children.
Gruyere Swiss. The Mother of all Swisses. They have to go out to Switzerland and take it from them by force, I swear it. Smooth, but with that distinctive Swiss high-frequency tingly-ouchy vibe unparalled. If it's possible to Get Some by serving the right sandwich, then it would probably involve Gruyere. And a yacht.
Havarti (Swiss). Fat never tasted so good (in food that is), and you know that's saying a lot. They call it Swiss but it's not really, not like we understand it. Pure smoooooooothness. Come on pucker up and say it with me: "Smoooooooooothnessssss." Oh yeah.
Cheeses to serve to people you hate:
Esrom. Danish for "vomit." Being at first un-wise in the ways of cheese, I noticed that this little number had remained untouched for the past few weeks, figured "Hey, this must be pretty special," and in a kleptomanic siezure actually broke the seal, cut open the wheel, and sniched myself a fat, meaty morsel. Jesus H, it was made out of vomit! I'm not kidding! I nearly recycled it again. I've brought the episode up with people since then, and nobody has heard of esrom: I suspect that god planted that cheese there to test me, with my punishment pre-packaged inside. So go ahead and serve it, with a big toothy smile, to someone you're sick of, and watch the look on their face. Relish it while you can, though, because you sure as hell won't ever see them again.
American. The only cheese refined directly from petroleum. I swear it tastes just like ground-up McDonalds Happy Meal toys. I'd rather eat a gasket.
That Nasty Russian Crap That No One Bought. And believe me, that's all I can tell you about it, because no one knew what it was, where it came from, when or how it got there. It was as big around as a manhole cover, weighed about thirty pounds, and was labeled exclusively in Russian! Consider the food situation in Russia right now and then realize that they'd exported this thing. For all I know, it wasn't even cheese at all. High-temperature drill press lubricant, I don't know. The weeks went on, and it beckoned our curiosity, like the Shiny Red Button in the "Space Madness" episode of Ren and Stimpy. Curiosity finally killed our cats, you could say, and we hacked that fucker open and extracted a core sample. It was stiff, sand-papery, and... wet... all at the same time. Yes, I tried a little piece, but I just can't remember what happened afterward.
Stilton. Ah yes, Stilton. This Insult to Cows Everywhere is considered the very best in England, where deep-boiled eel guts in slippery-gray fester pudding sauce is Fine Dining. Remember: you can't conquer a worldwide empire by serving good food at home, and this cheese alone launched a thousand ships for sure. In fact, I did a little research and learned that Stilton's military roots go even deeper: It's not really cheese at all, but was in fact one of the first biological weapons concocted by those dastardly Royals during the Revolutionary War. The smallest bit could poison any well from New Brunswick to Fort Calistoga. After pitifully snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at Yorktown, they launched a massive cover-up, made like it was food all along, and have been choking the stuff down with their collective pride ever since.
